6 Premarital Counseling Questions to Consider Before Getting Married

If you’re reading this, you’re probably thinking about marriage. You’re excited, nervous, maybe a little overwhelmed. That’s natural. And that’s exactly why premarital counseling is so important. It circumvents the blind trust and emotions that might cloud your judgment. While premarital counseling does discuss feelings, it’s definitely more about asking the right questions and seeing if you can live with the answers, all before you say, “I do.”

The truth is, love alone will not answer every question or solve every problem that you will encounter in your marriage. Love motivates, but preparation is what sustains a long-term relationship. And that, after all, is one of the goals of marriage, a lifelong partnership. Premarital counseling gives you the tools you need to explore your relationship honestly and safely at a deeper level.

6 Premarital Counseling Questions to Consider

Here are some important questions you and your partner are likely to explore in premarital counseling.

Communication and Conflict

“How do we handle disagreements after marriage?”

When you’re dating, conflict isn’t quite as threatening as it is during marriage. If you’re not fully committed before God and family or have legal ties to each other, you can simply walk away from a relationship when conflict gets heated or complicated. It might not be easy, but it certainly isn’t as difficult as it is when you’re spiritually and legally bound.

So how you communicate and resolve conflict in your marriage will not only look slightly different than it does now while dating or engaged, but really can make or break your relationship. When you’re dating, you can take time apart when conflict hits. You can go home to your own private space to think and regroup. When you’re living together, that option isn’t always available, nor is it always wise.

When you’re married, you have a greater obligation to resolve conflict in a way that honors the oath you took before God, and that strengthens your relationship. You have a greater motivation to avoid triggers that you know will hurt each other because you know they will only bring greater conflict and pain.

When you’re married, you are in a covenant, not just with that other person, but with God, so it’s important to figure out how to make things work even when you’re angry in the moment.

Finances

“How will we manage money as a couple?”

Finances are one of those important, touchy subjects that often wiggles its way in between couples, being a divisive force and causing strife. It’s important to discuss the difficult topics surrounding finances prior to marriage to help mitigate strife and potential financial disaster after.

If you haven’t already discussed each other’s financial history, premarital counseling is a great place to have that important talk. To seamlessly and effectively blend your lives, you will have to know about each other’s credit history, debt load, spending and saving habits, and financial goals and priorities.

When you’re single, your finances are more predictable because you know how much money you bring in and, conversely, how much you spend. But your partner might have very different spending habits that could not only disrupt your financial stability but could also cause major conflict in the process.

While these topics might be touchy and seem “private” now, you definitely don’t want to enter into a lifetime commitment, blending your finances and legal obligations with someone, without thoroughly exploring them.

Faith and Values

“Are we compatible in our faith and values?”

Perhaps the most important aspect of your life and future marriage is how God fits into it. If you want to have a fruitful, healthy, and fulfilling marriage, you have to have God at the center. When each of you, you and your future spouse, seeks God, rather than each other, you will find a life of fulfillment beyond the human experience.

God has instructed us not to marry someone who does not share our Christian faith. “Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?” 2 Corinthians 6:14 (NIV). This means that you are not to tether yourself to someone who does not share your faith, values, and direction in life.

Like oxen that are yoked to an unequal partner, you too will never move forward, only around in circles, if you bond yourself to an unbeliever. Missionary dating can lead to an unequal partnership, so be honest with yourself when assessing how your partner’s spiritual beliefs shape their daily life.

In premarital counseling, you can explore questions that will help you evaluate the spiritual health of your relationship. Will they want to pray, worship, and serve with you? And if faith differences exist, how will you handle them going forward?

Family and Relationships

“What about the in-laws?”

When you marry your partner, you’re also likely to be marrying their family in a way. Their family has been with them through thick and thin, teaching, mentoring, and doing life together, so it is natural for them to want to keep them in their lives.

Genesis 2:24 gives us insights into God’s plan for marriage. The idea is repeated multiple times throughout Scripture (Matthew 19:5, Ephesians 5:31). God’s design dictates that marriage creates a new primary relationship. Your spouse is to become your closest human bond, and loyalty has to shift.

However, the idea of leaving and cleaving doesn’t mean that you will abandon your family or that they will abandon theirs. Your family and your new spouse’s family will be a part of your new union because they are a part of you and your partner’s history and lives.

Because of this, new boundaries and a new priority structure must be established prior to going to the altar. In premarital counseling, you will not only learn why prioritizing your closest covenant relationship is important, but also how to do it properly with decisiveness, respect, and reasonable expectations.

Intimacy and Physical Connection

“What will our sex life look like?”

Physical intimacy is often seen as the enemy in Christian relationships. But the truth is, the Bible is not prudish about sex. In fact, the entire book of the Song of Solomon celebrates romantic and physical love between a husband and wife. Sex is a gift from God. He created sexual desire on purpose to be a joyful bonding.

As a Christian couple, you probably already know how challenging it can be to abstain from sexual activity before marriage. But keeping your relationship fully within the boundaries of God’s blueprint will yield beautiful rewards.

Once you enter marriage, you can experience sex without guilt, fear, or shame because intimacy is no longer something you have to tiptoe around. It’s actually a sacred part of your covenant and a way to love and serve each other.

In premarital counseling, you will talk about expectations, comfort levels, past experiences, and any sexually related trauma that might impact your post-marriage intimacy. Unfortunately, sex doesn’t automatically become easier just because a ceremony takes place.

You’re two different people with histories, emotions, and vulnerabilities, all of which can impact your sexual relationship. Talking about intimacy during premarital counseling helps remove shame and confusion so you can have that joyful, healthy physical connection.

Goals and Future Plans

“What does our future look like?”

Along with all the emotional and spiritual foundations that help a marriage succeed, practical planning also deserves attention. While most couples know to plan for the first few months of their marriage by securing housing and having a temporary financial plan in place, many couples fail to ask deeper questions about their long-term future.

It’s important to know what your partner has in mind beyond the short term. You need to dive into their personal goals and career plans. You need to know where you are going to live because choosing a city or a neighborhood can impact lifestyle, family dynamics, financial expectations, and long-term dreams.

Premarital counseling will give you the platform, mediation, and tools you need to decide how you and your intended will approach career decisions and relocation. You can discuss whether your future plans include children, and if so, how many. How will you jointly handle parenting and discipline? These conversations involve not only hopes for the future, but fears and expectations. And because of this, it’s imperative to broach these topics prior to saying, “I do.”

Should We Do Premarital Counseling?

Marriage isn’t something that you just wander into, hoping everything will sort itself out. It’s far too precious and complex for that. And while some may tell you to follow your heart and do what “feels right”, Scripture and tried and true wisdom say to prepare, listen to counsel, and follow God.

While premarital counseling can’t prepare you for every one of life’s storms, it sure can help you go into the most important human covenant with eyes wide open. It can give you the tools you need to weather them together because there’s an interesting sense of peace that envelopes you when you and your partner come together and ask the hard questions and give the not-so-proud answers. From those uncomfortable moments comes trust and understanding and a firm foundation on which to build the rest of your lives.

Contact our office today to schedule an appointment with me or another qualified Christian counselor near you to begin your marriage with a strong foundation.