Plumbing the Deep: Navigating the Shame of Family Secrets

It doesn’t take much reading before we realize that the Bible contains family secrets between its covers. Scandals line the pages of Scripture, sandwiched in between the prevailing force of God’s lavish love. While we read the intrigue and espionage laced throughout, we might wonder why God chose to continue with humanity as we know it.

Not a lot has changed throughout the ages, but the Father has remained consistent in His endeavor to woo and win wandering sons and daughters. Within our own families, we may have whispered, covered, and kept quiet, restraining secrets that strain the corners of our family tapestries as well.

In families that experience deep dysfunction, we exert an extraordinary amount of energy trying to cover pain that we ignore, medicate, or even over-spiritualize. We may be tempted to remain hushed about family secrets and sins, but silence does nothing but perpetuate shame.

It not only internalizes elements that have given rise to negative behavioral patterns, but it keeps us imprisoned in a narrative that pollutes our view of ourselves, others, and God.

Secrets may be part of our family’s past, and to some degree our present experience, but we don’t have to be loyal to its legacy for future generations.

The way out.

We can break our partnership with the lies and family secrets of the past and choose the truth that sets us free. God wants to bring the reality of Scripture off the page and into our lives. Jesus, as the Word of God, literally put on flesh, lived a human experience to model what it looked like for us to live free from the skeletons in our family closet.

In His torturous death, He became God’s Answer, lighting our bloodline’s path out of darkness into Truth and Life. Resurrected, His Spirit disentangles us from the clutches of principalities and powers that would pin us under sin and its inevitable death sentence.

It is up to us, however, to acknowledge that and accept the gift that Jesus became for us in His life, death, and resurrection. God invited us into His Kingdom family when we embrace Jesus’ sacrifice. Although that guarantees our place with him eternally, God has a Heart for us to experience His peace and freedom right now.

It may be difficult to confront our tumultuous history, but our sin is the qualifier that makes us candidates for salvation. We all desperately need the intervention of the Savior to redeem us from the things we know and hide as well as what we don’t.

Jesus answered, “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me.” – John 14:6, NIV

Understanding silence and shame.

When the dynamic is marked by cycles of abuse and control, it reinforces silence and false loyalty to shame. When we use religion or morality to justify imprisonment to standards that rebel against true peace and joy, we defy the work of the Spirit. He seeks to liberate us and help us maintain freedom from all chains that would bind and oppress.

The Lord is calling us into the Light where we don’t have to hide or remain tethered to what has gagged us into silent shame. It is not the Lord’s desire for us to endure conditions that abuse, mar, or take advantage of what He has placed in us.

We need to exercise wisdom and evacuate environments that threaten our safety, wholeness, and well-being. While we may feel conflicted about doing so, we may need to make use of community resources to immediately access safe places and sort the details later.

It may not be everyone’s situation, but sometimes an intentional boundary of time and space from polluted places and people can offer shelter and strategy. Connecting with a counselor can provide resources, insight, and support to free our hearts and minds from emotional imprisonment into God’s best for our lives.

Uncovering pain.

We never have to perform with God because we can be transparent. He is not interested in the masks that cover our thoughts, feelings, and experiences. He wants to set us free from the bondage associated with secrecy.

He wanted Adam and Eve to trust Him enough to obey, but when they did not, He welcomed them to approach Him instead of hiding in the shadows. He wants us to unburden ourselves of the labor we impose on our hearts and minds when we drag around our sin and shame.

Uncovering pain is not easy, but Scripture reminds us that we are never alone. Jesus is always with us (Matthew 28:20). His Spirit dwells within, to comfort us in difficult moments, but He doesn’t stop there.

He also counsels us, providing the wisdom and knowledge that we need to make choices (John 14:16, 26). He graces us for what may seem insurmountable or impossible, reminding us that it is through Christ, that we are strengthened for every task that awaits (Philippians 4:13).

Unpacking family secrets of the past.

The wounded parts of our hearts, when left unattended and unaddressed, poison our thoughts with toxicity and elicit uncomfortable emotions. The unresolved feelings from lingering pain cause us to filter perceptions and experiences through a dysfunctional lens. While unintended, the venom released by the effects of residual trauma not only affects our existing relationships but also permeates other connections.

The destructive patterns we absorbed from our families live on until we address them by interrupting harmful cycles of belief and behavior. Although it takes God’s power to demonstrate the advantage over these generational patterns, we may require the assistance and intervention of a trained and experienced counselor.

Unpacking our past serves to release its hold on us. We can no longer be enslaved to something that we bring into the light with the Lord. While it may be difficult, the Lord stands with us, as we learn to recognize patterns and triggers.

He heals our hearts, even as He enables us to forgive and move forward. This does not advocate the wrongdoing in our families, but it frees our hearts from being dominated by a painful part of the past.

Unleashing freedom from family secrets.

When we decide to release our heaviness to the Lord, He guarantees to exchange it for a garment of praise. He takes our burden, trading it for the ease that comes with releasing our pain in a safe and supportive space. There, in the place of thanksgiving and worship, He refreshes and strengthens.

In the private space of our souls, He gives us what we need to diagnose, treat, and heal from the wounds and impacts of a troublesome past. He also will provide us with wisdom to guide our interactions. He alone can bring peace and joy out of relationships that had previously been marked by shame and secrecy.

God fills our lives with Him so that we overflow with fruitfulness, a set of godly character traits and attitudes that enable us to live according to the Spirit, not by the impulsive demands of the flesh, the world, or the enemy.

When we welcome the Lord to fill us with His Spirit and meet our needs, He does more than what we imagine. He equips us to love ourselves, receiving what He says about us. He empowers us to heal and grow, making our lives examples of His miracle-working power. Even through what seems impossible, He helps us to recover from the wounds of the past and present and find Him as the door to unleashing freedom.

Next steps.

As Kingdom sons and daughters, we have full access to all that Christ lived, died, and rose to bring. Nothing, including a difficult family dynamic, can displace us from our place of belonging in Christ, even if we feel ostracized from connection with our relatives.

While you may feel that you are deep in shameful family secrets and dysfunctional cycles, you don’t have to remain there. Reach out to a counselor on this site. Schedule an appointment to navigate your way out of the darkness of secrecy and into the Light that Christ is shining on your path.