How to Become an Active Listener

As adults, we spend most of each day communicating, and 55% of this communication consists of listening and observing. We listen to gain information, we listen to understand, and we listen for enjoyment. Some people tend to be on the quieter side, talking less and being more observant of details like body language and people’s moods, making one a good active listener.

Others, who are more talkative and less aware of details, make only decent listeners, but not good active listeners. However, with practice, both types can become better active listeners.

Hearing or listening?

The difference between listening and hearing is focus and intentionality. A person may relay information to us and, without trying at all, we will register the facts of the information and little else. This is hearing.

We may only be hearing when it comes to instances like a child talking about their day at school, a teacher conducting a dull lesson, or a colleague sharing information you have already heard. We might call this “skim listening” or “scan listening,” meaning that we are simply listening for information and no other details.

Active listening is when we pay careful attention to all that is being communicated to us, both verbally and non-verbally. Not only do we take in and understand what is being said, but we discern what remains unsaid, and we respond to, reflect and react appropriately to the communication. This makes the speaker feel valued, seen, heard, and understood.

It takes practice and patience to become a good active listener. It begins with being intentional about absorbing as much information from the communication as possible. Working at developing and improving active listening can greatly impact our parenting, our relationships, and even our career.

What does being an active listener look like?

When we communicate, we mostly use words, but a large part of communication is non-verbal. Things like silence, body posture, facial expressions, eye contact, and expressive sounds (like grunts of approval) are non-verbal forms of communication and are hugely important. For example, a friend might tell us that they are “fine” when asked, but careful observation of their body posture, facial expression, or even voice intonation might tell us something different.

One of the reasons why being an active listener is so important is because people don’t always say what they mean, and sometimes unintentionally communicate far more than they intend to. A child who is being bullied at school may feel ashamed and afraid to talk about it.

Similarly, a friend going through problems in their relationship might feel responsible and despondent, so they shy away from bringing it over a lighthearted catch-up. Active listening bridges the gap and fills in some of the communication that people might be unwilling or unable to articulate.

For example, a concerned parent might ask their child how their day at school went. The child might shrug, look to the ground, and pout, while not saying any words. They are communicating that they are unhappy about something, but cannot articulate it. Their lack of eye contact, low energy, and inability to verbalize their feelings communicate this.

The friend in an unhappy relationship might not communicate overtly that things are not right. Adults often employ “masking” behavior when they wish to avoid difficult conversations.

Overly enthusiastic statements like, “It’s all good!” and a mood that seems falsely cheerful might be masking behaviors. Only by actively listening to their communication will you be able to notice these non-verbal clues to some deeper truth.

Aspects of being an active listener

Active listening is one part observation and one part reflection. People will become uncomfortable and even defensive if they feel they are being analyzed and their communications scrutinized. This is not the intent of active listening. To curb the discomfort that can come from being “seen,” it is important to reflect on what you have observed.

A simple question to the child in this scenario such as, “is school quite horrible at the moment sweetheart?” might encourage them to share something specific, by letting them know it’s okay if school is not great and that you care for them. A statement that cuts through a friend’s masking behavior like, “You seem a bit strained, Mary,” could be helpful if it is not done with an accusatory tone.

There are five key practices to develop and improve our active listening. They are: giving our full attention, observing non-verbal communication, suspending judgments, reflecting, and summarizing. We can practice each of these aspects one at a time, or practice a variety of them with friends, partners, or colleagues.

Giving our full attention. For people to feel seen, heard, and understood, we must show them that we care. We can do this by giving them our full attention. This can be a bit intense if it does not appear natural, so it’s a good idea to be relaxed and at ease from the start.

Angling our bodies to face the speaker, maintaining gentle eye contact, and nodding our heads at appropriate spots show we are paying attention. We need to be careful of fidgeting or appearing impatient, which might communicate that we are bored.

Observing non-verbal communication. A person’s eye contact (or lack of it), body posture, volume level when they speak, and things like sighs and exclamations are all vital information when we practice active listening. We don’t have to become body language experts to interpret communications.

We just have to be observant. If we are uncertain about what their body language is communicating, it is best to ask them. Saying something like, “You seem low. Are you okay?” demonstrates to them that we have noticed, and we care and might clarify information for ourselves.

Suspending judgments. As the person shares, it’s important to refrain from making comments that would come across as judgments or criticisms. This can interrupt the person’s thoughts and might make them defensive. For example, sentences that begin like “Well, it’s obvious that…” or “You were silly to believe them,” come across as judgmental and critical.

Similarly, we must not offer solutions prematurely. Even if a solution is clear, we must wait for them to share everything that is on their mind. There might be a natural time to discuss solutions once they have shared everything they wanted to.

Reflecting. When we practice active listening, we act as a mirror. We might copy a speaker’s body language, and volume level of speech, and occasionally we will reflect on things they have said to us. For example, they might say, “John never seems to care about my feelings.” We could reflect on this statement by saying, “You’re feeling overlooked by John.”

The reason we reflect statements is to clarify certain points of information (both for ourselves and the speaker), but also to demonstrate that we understand what they are saying. It is a powerful tool, and one every active listener must learn to use it. We can reflect regularly as they share, or at the moment when it seems like they have nothing new to share.

Summarizing. Reflection leads very nicely into summarizing. This is where we bring together all the important points of what was shared and present it as a summary. We must be careful not to trivialize the sharer or overlook details. But, reflecting on their thoughts as a summary is helpful. We will generally aim to do this at the point where they have nothing left to share.

Bringing it all together

The main reason we use active listening is to show care for the speaker and to build confidence, trust, and morale. It is an integral tool to use in relationships, marriage, parenting, friendships, and the workplace. It takes practice and patience to improve our communication, but it is worth doing.

Many aspects of active listening might go against our nature. For example, slowing down to intentionally listen is hard for many people. Refraining from making judgments, offering solutions, and being careful to not minimize or trivialize someone else’s experiences is difficult.

We also need to become comfortable with silences and gaps in conversations and resist the urge to fill them. It is in these silences that people marshal their thoughts, or might simply need to reflect on something that was said.

There are five key aspects to active listening, namely giving our full attention, observing non-verbal communication, suspending judgments, reflecting, and summarizing. Each of these skills takes practice, but it is possible to practice each one in the course of any conversation. If we can hone our active listening skills, we will likely see dramatic breakthroughs in the areas of life most in need of them.

Further help

One area where you will undoubtedly encounter good examples of active listening is in a session with a Christian counselor at Flower Mound Christian Counseling. Counselors and talk therapists use well-practiced active listening techniques to make you feel seen, heard, and understood. Should you need to make contact with a professional counselor, we can help. Call us at Flower Mound Christian Counseling at your convenience to make an appointment.