Counseling For Toxic Couples: What You Need To Know

There is no such thing as a perfect relationship. One reason for that is that we live in an imperfect world, but alongside that is the reality that we are imperfect people. Even if the world were perfect, imperfect people would make short work of it.

We bring our imperfections into our relationships, and sometimes we overcome our worst impulses. Other times, the person that we’re with is imperfect in different ways and when paired together it all works.

In other situations, two imperfect people come together, and they don’t bring out the best in each other. Instead, some of their worst impulses are either encouraged or given free rein, running amok in the relationship. This causes immense damage to both of the people in the relationship and others that may be within the couple’s sphere of influence.

When relationships flourish, they can be beautiful, and that’s what God wants for people. Healthy relationships bring wholeness, support growth, maintain accountability, and promote flourishing.

The other side of flourishing relationships is toxic relationships, and these can be between friends, lovers, parents and their children, and siblings. If you are in a toxic romantic relationship, there is help available in both individual and couples counseling.

Counseling can transform your relationship by helping you understand what has gone wrong in the relationship and why. Not only that, but one can learn new ways to be themselves in a relationship.

Signs of a toxic relationship

To begin with, what does a toxic relationship look like? The word ‘toxic’ is quite prevalent in our world today. Essentially, it refers to deeply problematic and unhealthy traits within a relationship, things that hinder or undermine the flourishing of the couple. To frame it within a Christian worldview, it relates to ingrained sinful patterns and habits that undermine God’s purposes for human relationships and flourishing.

In romantic relationships, people get drawn to stay in toxic relationships through physical or sexual attraction, among other reasons. While there is no such thing as a perfect relationship in which the couple doesn’t display some kind of sinful behavior at one point or another, toxic relationships are those where those harmful patterns and behaviors prevail.

Even healthy couples will experience seasons of driving each other crazy or feeling that their partner is being needy or self-centered. In those healthy couplings, however, there is the ability to recognize the needs of the other and move toward healing.

A toxic relationship is thus characterized by certain traits that the couple doesn’t overcome and possibly doesn’t even see as problematic. Some of the signs of a toxic relationship include the following:

• Manipulation and gaslighting.
• Constant criticism and being put down.
• Coercive behaviors, such as threatening the other spouse to do what you want.
• The couple are not equals, and they’re not mutually accountable and don’t take responsibility for the relationship.
• There is no trust in the relationship.
• One or both spouses don’t feel like they can be themselves in the relationship.
• Name-calling and blaming.
• Frequent and recurrent arguments.
• Physical and emotional abuse.
• Lack of respect and clear communication, one or both partners are stonewalling or using the silent treatment as a form of punishment.
• No healthy boundaries in the relationship, pushing the other beyond what they’re comfortable doing, and they’re made to do things that they end up regretting or feeling ashamed about.
• Lying, infidelity, or dishonesty in the relationship.

Couples will have their issues, and they will have conflicts in their relationships. The difference between a toxic couple and a healthy relationship dynamic is that the toxic couple is mired in these unhealthy traits, and they can’t quite resolve the situation.

Steps to remedy toxic relationships

See the problem for what it is. The first step to addressing any issue is to see that you have an issue that needs to be fixed. For some couples, this is a huge step because the toxic elements of their relationship have become so normalized that they don’t see it as anything other than how they are as a couple.

One can become so accustomed to unhealthy behaviors that these behaviors stop being shocking. Sometimes, it takes a brave friend or family member telling you that something is wrong for the couple to see that their dynamic is not okay.

Talk with your partner. One of you might see the issue, and the next step is to talk to your partner about it. This step is often overlooked, or partners also assume that it won’t do any good. It’s important to understand that ‘talking with them’ means two-way communication, which includes listening, hearing out any concerns, being open to them, and not playing the blame game.

Can the relationship be saved? The next step to consider is whether the relationship can be fixed. Toxic relationships can be turned around, but it depends on whether both partners, individually and together, are equally committed and willing to overcome their toxic behaviors.

A toxic couple can turn things around with lots of open and honest communication, self-reflection, and with professional help. One component of the process is the willingness to walk away from the relationship if need be. That may be the case if the toxic elements of the relationship are deeply set, life-threatening, or there’s no willingness to change for the better.

Seek help. Through counseling, a couple can pinpoint unhealthy relationship patterns. Not only that, but a counselor can help the couple unearth some of the underlying reasons for the toxic behavior in the relationship, including learned behaviors and trauma.

In the therapeutic setting, your counselor will help the couple heal from unresolved issues such as personal or intergenerational trauma, helping them cultivate new and healthier practices of communication, conflict resolution, and interpersonal connection.

It’s important to note that your counselor is not going to solve your problems for you, but they can provide you with the tools you need to creatively problem-solve, communicate effectively, and grow in empathy toward one another. These tools will help you nurture your relationship and make it healthy.

Benefits of counseling for toxic couples

There are several benefits of counseling for toxic couples, and these include:

• Developing an awareness of unhealthy patterns of thought and behavior.
• Strengthening your skills for better communication, conflict resolution, and problem-solving.
• Being able to identify issues in the future and address them before they become huge problems.
• Healthier relationship where both parties are flourishing, taking responsibility for themselves and each other, energized to be together and growing as individuals and as a couple.

How counseling for toxic couples works

Ideally, both partners should be prepared to make some changes in the relationship, though if only one of you is willing to make changes that is a start. Toxic couples have an unhealthy dynamic that both parties participate in and perpetuate.

Counseling can work either on an individual basis or as a couple. However, to turn a toxic relationship around, both partners need to be invested in the process of change. You both need to show up and be invested in your own healing journey.

Your counselor will listen to your story to try and discern the dynamics and patterns in your relationship. Couples counselors are trained in helping couples work through and figure out how to fix an unhealthy relationship.

That training equips them to be skilled communicators that can help you stay on topic, listen to each other, and keep you from descending into unfruitful arguments by encouraging healthy discussion.

Your counselor will also direct the conversation so that you hear each other out and the conversation is productive. This will help you understand what’s going wrong with your relationship, gain an appreciation for your relationship and partner, and together you can chart a way forward to improve things in the relationship.

Your counselor also has a toolbox of skills and therapeutic techniques that they can apply to help a couple. Using techniques like cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) and emotionally focused therapy, your counselor will help you discern the patterns of unhealthy thoughts and behaviors that undermine the health of your relationship, all while developing new ways of relating to each other and appreciating your partner’s needs.

Counseling typically takes place over several hour-long weekly sessions. The number of sessions that a couple needs will depend on the issues they need to work through, but often between six and ten sessions can help a couple make significant progress.

Your counselor may give you exercises to work through at home to build intimacy, and foster healthy communication and good listening skills. Your counselor will ask for feedback on those exercises, using that to carry the conversation forward.

If you’re working with a Christian couples counselor, they will use the techniques other counselors use while incorporating Scriptural wisdom such as God’s design for relationships and what it means to love one another as Christ has loved us. This will help the couple align their relationship with their commitment to God.

Your relationship may seem like it has gone off the rails, but it’s possible to restore it. Through hard work, honest reflection, and with guidance, your relationship can flourish and become a source of joy and wholeness. Speak with a Christian couples counselor today to begin overcoming the toxic aspects of your relationship.