God’s Remedy for Parental Regret and Reconciliation

While some parents are truly barbaric and abusive, inflicting untold trauma and pain on their children that will scar them for life and have a generational impact, the majority love their children and do the very best that they can for them, though parental regret may still affect them.

Unfortunately, as sinners in a broken world, every parent will make mistakes that they look back on with regret. As children, we are not able to see our family situation clearly, and it is often only when we have reached adulthood, and possibly have a family of our own, that we look back and critique how our parents raised us.

Parental regret and reconciliation can go hand in hand and can either be toward our children or simply between oneself and God.

A growing culture of estrangement

Parental regret and reconciliation is an age-old concept, and yet it seems to be especially topical in our modern society, where there is perhaps a greater focus on self-awareness and emotional intelligence.

Feeling regret at mistakes made in parenting is seen almost as a badge of honor and is a sign that we tried our best. They could also have been brought into focus by our grown children, who display an attitude of blame for the things that wronged them and have perhaps followed them into adult life.

While in the past, the biblical command to “Honor your parents” was more esteemed in society, today’s generation places more emphasis on excommunicating or getting estranged from parents whose stance on certain matters differed from their children’s views.

Healthy conflict resolution for parental regret

Regret is a difficult emotion to process. While the world follows the “no regrets” mantra, it simply isn’t possible to shrug off the sense that we did something that we wouldn’t repeat if we were given the chance. We can take our regrets to God and ask him to give us peace so that they do not plague us.

Regret involves a component of guilt and self-recrimination. It’s important to go through a process of seeking forgiveness, and deliberately and repeatedly choosing to let go of the negative feelings.

If you are on speaking terms with your children, you could speak to them about the feelings you have and apologize for the ways that you feel that you failed them as a parent, openly sharing about where you were at and what caused you to act in a particular way. You can pray for them to receive your apology with grace and give them time to reflect and respond.

If the parent-child relationship has broken down, you could write what speaker, psychologist, and best-selling author on the topic of estrangement Dr. Joshua Coleman refers to as an amends letter.

In this letter, you admit your mistakes (without justifying them) and express empathy for how your actions made them feel. You should also thank them for the opportunity to apologize and let them know that the door is open should they be ready to talk and for you to learn more.

In Grace for Regretful Parents, Too author Elyse Fitzpatrick says that the only true solution is God’s remedy for parental regret and reconciliation: to understand who you are and who God is. The reality is that we are sinners, and there is only one good parent in the world: our Father, God.

We likely expected too much of ourselves, and so did our children. If everyone in the family comes to this understanding they will be at a wonderful place: knowing that there is only one Savior, and He can heal all our hurts and use our pain and regrets for His good purposes.