6 Tips for Dealing with a Complicated Relationship

When you have a complicated relationship, life can feel stressful and draining. Maybe you have been caught off guard by problems in your relationship even though they feel familiar to you. Dysfunction is like this – it can keep us off balance and make us feel so frustrated we want to scream. But there are several ways that you can deal with a complicated relationship and not let it run your life any longer.

Tips for Dealing with a Complicated Relationship

The dysfunction in a complicated relationship could be deeply rooted, widespread, and related to many different factors. It’s often best to discuss your complicated relationship with a Christian counselor who can give you an outside, judgment-free perspective.

You can also take steps like the ones described below to reduce your stress, deal with a complicated relationship, and prepare yourself for meetings with the difficult individual.

1. Perform a Self-Check

Dysfunction in complicated relationships is rarely relegated to one person. If you bear even 1% of the burden of dysfunction in your relationship with the difficult person, you can make changes that will bring health into the relationship. This is why you need to perform a self-check to learn what you can control.

Consider the following example. A father drinks during a holiday gathering, and eventually becomes irritable and begins to criticize his adult daughter. The daughter had quietly tolerated it in the past but developed resentment in her heart toward her father. To make a change at the next holiday gathering, she could excuse herself after dinner, so she would not be exposed to her father’s irritation that leads to criticism. That’s the 1% that she can control.

Here is another example. You may refrain from voicing your opinions in an attempt to keep the peace. But afterward, you go home and ruminate over what you wish you would have said. Perhaps your passivity is not keeping the peace, but creating problems instead. Your part of the issue could be to speak up in certain situations as a peacemaker who acts with confidence instead of a peacemaker who reacts based on fear.

You can ask God to show you the ways that you are contributing to the dysfunction in the complicated relationship. Whether you are acting actively or passively, you can rely on God to help you make necessary changes. A Christian counselor can also help you see your blind spots so you can work on your contributions to the problem.

2. Respond, Don’t React

Your gut-level reactions to the difficult person are probably stirring up more problems, even when you don’t intend to do so. Difficult people like creating reactions in you, so they can feel a sense of power over you. Let’s look at some examples of how this plays out in different relationships.

A mother criticizes her adult daughter’s parenting style in front of her children. The daughter reacts with anger and sarcasm, which only invites more criticism. This strains her relationship with her mother and creates a bad example in front of the children.

What the daughter could do in those moments when she feels criticized is to first pray that God will give her self-control so she doesn’t react in anger. She can speak a firm but loving boundary to her mother, such as, “Mom, I don’t want to speak about this topic with you right now.” Then she can switch to a neutral talking subject or detach herself by leaving the room.

Think back to the times that you reacted in anger or defensiveness rather than responding with self-control? Which calm, controlled responses can you practice now to be better prepared for the next time you meet with a difficult person? You can learn to respond rather than react as you gain self-awareness and practice your responses, and a counselor can help you do this.

3. Set Boundaries

Dysfunction in complicated relationships is often linked to poor boundaries. Healthy boundaries protect you from getting hurt and delineate the space that belongs to you in the relationship. They define the behaviors you will and will not tolerate and communicate a sense of self-respect.

For example, a man repeatedly asks his brother to loan him money. The brother who is asked has given reluctantly because he rarely gets repaid. But he can form a healthy boundary by preparing a response for the next time he sees his brother.

He could say something like, “I’m sorry, I can’t loan you that money anymore, but I’m willing to help you think through other ideas. Would you like to talk about that?” His brother will probably resist this boundary, but it protects him from feeling used. It has the potential to bring health to the relationship.

Setting boundaries isn’t an easy thing to do. But it’s one of the best ways to make necessary changes in a complicated relationship. Since setting boundaries requires special planning in the presence of a support system, it’s wise to talk over your problem with a Christian counselor before you draw your boundary lines.

4. Get Your Needs Met Elsewhere

It’s a plain and simple fact that a complicated relationship will not be able to meet your valid needs for love and support. For example, you can’t trust a gossiping sibling with your heart, knowing they may talk about you behind your back.

You can’t rely on an alcoholic father to provide the emotional support you need. You can’t trust a mentally ill mother to be there for you when you need her. These are just a few examples of deficits in complicated relationships.

However, the good news is that you can get your needs met elsewhere. To live the abundant life God has promised for you in John 10:10, you must get your needs met elsewhere. Jesus intends for the church to meet these needs.

With other believers, you can fill in the gaps of the relationships that are difficult in your life. You can have a surrogate father, mother, sibling, or friend who is healthy and supportive for you to balance the dysfunction in your difficult relationship.

5. Choose Activities That Bring You Joy

Since complicated relationships are draining, it’s important to offset them with activities that bring you joy. Practicing self-care every day is an important way to fill yourself up so you aren’t so drained by the dysfunction of your relationship. Doing something that you enjoy for a few minutes every day can be just enough to help you feel better.

You can manage the stress of dealing with this relationship better When you block out time on your daily and weekly schedule to recharge with activities that bring joy. These activities will help you anticipate something good and lift your spirits. Take a few moments to brainstorm which activities bring you the most joy, and make a plan to start them today.

6. Draw Near to God

We saved the most important part for last – you need to draw near to God when you have a complicated relationship. God sees and understands the dynamics in your relationship even better than you do.

He knows all the reasons and motives for the dysfunction, he sees all the hurt and pain, and he is the only one who can bring perfect justice into the situation. He wants to empower you to break the dysfunctional patterns in your relationship and get healthy yourself.

Go to God and prayer, asking him to provide you insight into the problems. Humble yourself and ask him what changes you need to make. Ask him to give you guidance and wisdom to know what to do next in your relationship.

By faithfully going to God in prayer, you will experience greater peace in your relationship even if the other person doesn’t change, because you will know that God is on your side. He will be faithful to comfort and encourage you as he shows you what to do and what not to do.

Counseling for Complicated Relationships

For counseling for individuals, couples, and families who deal with complicated relationships. The counselors at Flower Mound Christian Counseling can help you identify the roots of the dysfunction, form healthier patterns of relating, set necessary boundaries, and make plans for how to deal with future conflicts. Reach out to us today to get the help you need for your complicated relationship.